I'm always taken by how being "physically sick" stimulates a "waking up" for me. I've been in a sickly funk for about 2 weeks, not enough to take me out of action, but enough to keep me constantly tired and drained. And during the course of the two weeks, it seems the intensity of the "battle" for the hearts of people around me has been particularly intense.
As I live my life of choosing to fight for people's hearts (always being faithful to doing so for mine first, so that I do so for others in a productive, rather than self-destructive way, which helps no one - see James 2:8), I find myself feeling like Neo, Morpheus, and the crew in the Matrix movies...fighting against the people I love, for the people I love.
So this weird experience has been happening to me over these last two weeks of being slightly under the weather and energyless. Maybe you can relate to me when I confess that usually when I am tired or weary, I don't have the energy to do the "right things" for myself or in my relationships. I don't offer my gifts to the world...I don't give my energy to people, for people, like I would if I was feeling fine. And I excuse myself from it "because I'm sick" or tired. Self-defeating and confusing thoughts pop into my head to justify my inaction like "It's overwhelming and hopeless anyway," and "They don't even want what I'm offering," and "It won't matter if I take just one day off." These delusions actually sound reasonable, true, and weighty in those moments, and I choose to agree with them, because I don't have the energy to fight.
But this time, these two weeks, it's like I didn't have the energy to do the wrong thing! This time, I bypassed all of the spiritual, internal, introspective, prayerful "working through" my fears and insecurities that I normally go through to find the energy to do the right thing, and just went straight to the right thing. It has been a glorious experience, probably not noticeable for all those outside of me, but very special and intimate for me and God.
And I woke up this morning (in more ways than one) to see these videos in my inbox, which I took the time to watch. In the first one, I got a visual of a potential and believable "real world" matrix forming itself around us, and I invite you to watch it -- whether it is true and accurate isn't as important to me as the believability of it, because something "like it" is true and at work in the world, trying to get all of us to "volunteer" into the system because it makes so much "sense" -- it made me cry.
The second two videos are a scene from the last Matrix movie, where Smith has become powerful beyond belief, totally taking over and ruling the Matrix as "his world", with only Neo persisting in his futile resistance against of unbeatable, insurmountable foe. Watch the scene closely, and listen to each sentence of the exchange between good and evil, especially the profound and convincing speech by Smith right at the end as he asked Neo "Why do you persist?", where he masterfully explains away the Kingdom values of peace, joy, and love as illusions of mankind trying to pretend that this meaningless life has meaning.
And then listen to Neo's answer...and his choice to die in order to have and give life. As my friend Chris Northcutt said last night as we spoke of our trying to live the life of meaning, passion, and purpose (that is, the life of Christ), as far as feeding and nourishing people goes, "the chicken is dedicated, but the pig is committed."
My buddy Jim Spivey said that these videos "explain him"...and I feel the same about them for me.
"To be Christ's is to have the miracle of self-validation or self-authentication. This deep faith that you are basically legitimate and true -- that you, as a child of God, belong here, in your role -- is the foundation of character, maturity, and emotional stability. When we choose to live from the inside out, surrendering to the Kingdom of Christ and it's ways, we find an unstoppable energy (even in the face of all of the growing number of "Agent Smiths" as you go deeper and deeper). To have courage is to operate daily from within that still point, no matter what external circumstances you confront or face." -- My edited version of a quote from Peter Koestenbaum
1 comment:
A really interesting post. I read your posts regularly but have never posted. I love your heart. I see you talking from within and sending out with all your heart. It is amazing to see. I want so badly to shed this fear that I have and be able to do what I do "because I choose too".
Praying you to feel better but glad (in a way) for your sickness.
Lance
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