“We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for God
“The past is behind us, and fixed. The future is before us, and unknown. With the past, we can either regret or learn. With the future, we can either be fearful or hopeful. But the present…the present is the only touch we have with eternity. It is always present. It is the moment that escapes time and becomes available for us to actually use. Even with all the very good talk of “learning from the past” and “creating a positive future”, concepts I can very much stay busy with, I wonder if I drown myself in both, allowing eternity to constantly pass me by.” – Yours Truly
“All this I saw, as I applied my mind to everything done under the sun.” – Solomon
Applying my mind is something that I am becoming increasingly addicted to. I’m nervous about it, really, because there is no end. And with each “new discovery”, whether it is very useful in following Christ or not, I begin taking refuge in my enjoyment of learning for (what feels like) the sake of learning.
I have some friends that I get to talk to a whole lot, and I feel safe enough and loved enough with them to allow myself the freedom to “think freely”. It’s usually my verbal attempt to climb higher in my outlook on life, to reach for Heaven’s perspective, to think ideally and romanticize about living out the ways I think. Sometimes it’s a great exercise and it lands me somewhere useful, giving me a gold nugget of reality and truth that I can bring back down with me to earth and actually put to use.
But other times, it’s a desperate attempt at significance, a place I get lost in. It’s not frantic anymore, but it’s continual…my reading, by debriefing myself around my patient friends, my isolation and soul-searching using the tool of mind. I like it there. But I must say that I’m not sure it’s the best use of my “present”.
I’m not trying to knock learning from our past, I love doing that. Nor am I wanting to never think about the future, and do things now that make my future (God willing) more in line with my values. I’m just struggling with my choices…the ones I’m grateful to have…and how to “do something, and to do it very well”, as Oscar said it in the above quote.
I just spent a couple of hours with a woman who is wrestling with the question, “Is God really good?” The sheer honesty was refreshing, the dialogue raw and real, and the elation we both felt as it came to end invigorating. After life on life stuff like that, I never doubt that the time was well spent, and in accordance with the values of God. I grateful for hours like that.
I’m fearful, however, of falling in love with stuff that is “good stuff”, but is potentially diluting the “best stuff”.
I’m not down about this at all, and appreciate the concern some of you express when you ‘check in on me’ after questioning emails like this, but I love this struggle. It makes me feel like the proverbial caterpillar working hard to get out of the cocoon, knowing that the struggle is what is finishing and sharpening an awesome transformation.