"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - The Apostle Paul
"Some of my battles seem embarrassing to me because they come in the midst of my greatest blessings. Some seem humiliating because they are recurring. Some seem petty because they are so small compared to those of others. Some I think I should hide because they don't really exist outside of my own heart. Some I think I should just let go and "get over" (meaning: ignore) because they are common to all men, and that's how they deal with them. But I must embrace my battles as battles and learn their great lessons, allowing them to mold me and make me into what I am becoming. You see, my God loves me enough to send me more obvious and impressive trials if I need them to move more comfortably into the refining fire of struggle." - Yours truly
As I sit on a Saturday night thinking about a speech I will be giving to a group of Christians in Amarillo, TX tomorrow morning, the tug-of-war between the "desire to perform well" and the "desire to experience Christ" has begun once again.
What must I do to be saved from such petty thoughts and fears? What must I become in order to be without this recurring trial?
When my thoughts are on You alone, and I surrender all desires but You Yourself, I find perfect peace and easy sleep.
Your son is so incredible. His friend John said that if all the things that Jesus did in a mere 3 years of ministry were written down, there would not be enough volumes to contain it. And the few scenes recorded in the Gospels are more than enough to fill my life with all that is needed to know him and live life to the full, and to never stop growing in both.
What irony it is that I am speaking tomorrow on "calling". I am grateful for your call to salvation, and to the life of calling that I get to now live. I thank You for such leading that I feel I am in the very spot on the face of this planet that you intend for me to be.
And yet, the Enemy manages to steal my joy in it tonight.
These moments of discomfort will pass, I've learned many times, and for that I am also grateful. The joy of my calling will rush back in and I will thrill in it once again. But I look longingly now for the "fine-tuning" you are doing to me, the "adjustments" you are making in my life, and the "movement" of my soul that will re-orient me in a way that I will bring more glory to You. What I have experienced in the past gives me faith that my current discomfort is serving that purpose for my forthcoming future.
And so I wait. This "suffering" is not too much for me, and is so much less than many of my fellow man, yet this one is mine. It is an honor to have it, and I embrace it for the refining tool of my life that it is, anxious to experience it's fruits, ready to embrace the life it will bring and the trials that you will use after this one.