It was a life shaking event...

Today is the anniversary of one of the most (if not the most) life altering events of my life. It was traumatic, to say the least. It is one of those things that slowed down the whole world while it was happening…that slow motion thing, you know? I'd always seen it on the movies, but 5 years ago, it happened to me for real…as if my mind knew the moment would be a defining reference point forever.  I wouldn't say it's hard to talk about, but I have to admit that I can not shake the affects of it even after half a decade.

On that day, I became more afraid of death's power over me and how brief life is and how important it is that I stay healthy. It shook me to the core of my being, bringing in depths of emotions that I didn't know existed or exactly how to handle. I became obsessive (as if I wasn't already) and have to confess that my slavery to thinking about it has not decreased over the years, but increased in frequency and intensity. I honestly can not think of one thing that is the same after it happened.

It shook some of what I would've at the time called "fun" out of me, and replaced it with a soberness and sincerity that I think might irritate normal people at times. I occasionally can not hold myself together emotionally because of it, and seriously will end up a blubbering idiot sometimes, feeling somewhat weak when it hits me in front of others. I've talked to numerous counselors, friends, family, ministers, and even total strangers (sometimes they are the easiest to do it with) about it, trying to figure out how to handle myself best in light of its growing affects on me. Most of them listen compassionately, but never seem to even suggest that there is hope of getting over it.

Most of you who know me well know that I believe in a huge God, one that ultimately is out for my good and His own glory (not in that order), and that the former leads to the later, and that if He wanted to, he could spare me the consequences of this event at anytime. And even though there would be a certain freedom for me if He would do it, I haven't ever asked Him to. I know that Paul had an affliction once, and he did ask God to take it from him, but God had plans for it to do a good work in Paul, for his own good and His own glory. I really believe that is the nature of this, and that I get to endure any sorrows it produces under the banner of the greater joy that it delivers. As yet, this has proven true. Every single one of the fears, consequences, and affects that this unstoppable influence has had on me has been my joy. I revel in it every day.

Happy 5th birthday, Shade Canon Mashburn, my son. Five years ago you turned me into a dad, my favorite role so far in this life. You are my friend, fan, teacher, fellow-adventurer, and best buddy, and I honor you today and the incredible job God did (and is doing) in creating you. I love you.

Social Justice

I met a guy named Alvero this past week. Alvero stood in my office telling me about how he has spent the last years feeding hungry orphans in Zimbabwe. He’s having to leave there, now, however because he is white, and where he lives, any black man can come and take any of his possessions that they want at any time they want. Alvero would stay, if it was just himself, and might even with just his wife, but he has a young son and daughter living there, too. In the neighborhood, the black boys taunt his son by saying, “My dad can come take your dad’s house anytime he wants!” The spirit behind it seems to run a little deeper than the “my dad can beat up your dad,” thing we threw around when I was a kid in Houston, TX. 

Alvero must leave, but there are still hungry orphans there. We aren’t talking about a hungry that results from missing a meal, we are talking about hungry that results from not having any food, any day. My pantry is full of luxuries, and there is a child starving. I’m hurting over this today. 

And the racism…we aren’t talking about a community immaturity that results in insulting someone of another race (although this is also horrific). We are talking about a government initiative to run off people of a different race. I’m hurting over this today. 

And the suffering of Alvero from relocation...we aren’t talking about the “suffering” I did by having to leave an incredible community of faith in Houston in order to join another incredible community of faith in Amarillo. We are talking about the heart-tearing that must come with a decision between helping with the suffering of hungry kids and helping with the imminent danger of his own kids. I’m hurting over this today. 

It’s just not supposed to be like this. And I am supposed to be doing something about it.