Full of Names

"As I have loved you, so you must love one another." - Jesus

"You yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. In fact, you do love... Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more." - Jesus' disciple, Paul

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart." - Jesus' disciple, Peter

"We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers." - Jesus' disciple, John

 

"Offering courageous and intimate love to another person is the only thing that has ever, ever worked in any of my disciple-making efforts. And it is the only thing that has ever, ever hurt." - Jesus' disciple, Brian

 

There is an email that I have been writing in my draft box that brings tears to my eyes.

 

It is full of names.

 

They are the names of people that I am attempting to have at least some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with.

 

It is a list that is full of emotion for me. Uncensored words that attempt a description of such emotion would include longing, closeness, leaven, endearment, hurt, disappointment, regret, care, too many, too much, not enough time, inadequate, fear, loss, potential, "if only I did more", laughter, awe, difficulty, conflict, woundedness, gratitude, acceptance, unconditional, affirmation, guilt, duty, joy, falling short, over shooting, expecting too much, despair, belief, quitting, apathy, giving up, re-engaging, spread too thin, mistakes, breakthroughs, speechlessness, secrets, confession, truth, freedom...Christ.

 

I have a weakness for people. It compels me to want to be with them, to hear their hearts, to see their worlds, to understand their perspectives, to give them mine in some hope that it can make a meaningful difference in their lives. It also compels me to want to avoid them, to avoid their hearts, to ignore their worlds, to judge their perspectives, and give them mine in some impersonal, matter-of-fact way in some hope that it will deflect them from inconveniencing me with the mess of their lives. And this puts me face to face with myself and my God, smack dab in the middle of the "every-single-moment" battle of deciding who I am gonna be.

 

In short, it gives me life.

 

I haven't started this other email, but there is another one that would be much longer that lists the names of people who I have had (in the past, as opposed to currently) some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with.

 

It is a list that is full of even more emotion for me. Especially when I see them again, or run into them, or get to catch up a bit. It's almost like time-warping back and meeting my younger self when I interact with (or just remember) someone who was known and loved by my younger self. The uncensored word list would include all the words above with maybe 4 times the the intensity. I don't know why the past names drum up more intensity, I only know that it is so.

 

There is a third one that I can't write, but it exists nonetheless. I don't even know the people yet who would be on an email listing the names of those who I am about to meet in the future who I will have some level of intimate, loving, mutually serving, ultimately transforming relationship with. So while there is not emotion welling up for these unknown people, the emotion wells up by the thought of the sheer amount of them coming.

 

Add to that, that I have forgotten more people's names than I have remembered, and I have remembered hundreds. When you are weak to people, there are a whole lot of people to love. And the less biased/prejudiced you are about who you will love, the larger the pool of people around you that you are weak to. And the deeper you go in any one of them, the more you realize just how much they (and you) needed someone to "go there" with them, and how important it is that they never are abandoned or betrayed. And the follow up that any one of them might need from the person who "loved them there" is potentially endless.

 

It is immense. 

 

Not to mention the fact that my love for people gets me into a whole lot of trouble. I am constantly asking people to trust me (which seems to be something most struggle with), and I am constantly trusting people and by doing so, asking them to be trustworthy (which is also something most struggle to be). And since this kind of relational capacity with people seems to represent a persons relational capacity with God, I am always asking them to trust others (which puts these that "struggle to trust" with those people who "struggle to be trustworthy").

 

It gets me into a whole lot of trouble.

 

I think it would easier if I would chill out on this intimate community thing. My days would be more predictable. My life would be more manageable. My nights would be less interruptible. My production (on things more measurable) would be more efficient. My hands would look a lot cleaner, my shirt would be less bloody, my mind would have fewer names, my lunches and coffees spent with fewer people more often. My email wouldn't take so long, my phone wouldn't ring so much, my home and office doors wouldn't swing so much, and my heart wouldn't either. I think it would be easier if I would chill out..."man up" on this weakness for people thing.

 

And if I could think of any other "less messy, less death-defying" way to make disciples of Jesus Christ, I would. But I haven't found one. See, the fact is that this is not really a "weakness" for people, it's a "priority" of people. And discipleship is always about transformation of people. And transformation of people requires loving people in the deep waters of their hearts. And that kind of scuba-diving adventure, should you decide to accept it, comes with some "water pressure". It's just part of it. And not quite as un-navigatable as you might think.

 

So I love people. And my love for people is right and good. I don't always love them right and best, but my love for them is right and good. I don't always prioritize those people just right or perfectly, but my priority for people is right and good.

 

Even the trouble it gets me into I love. Sharing in life with those God puts in my path gives me feelings, even when it is painful, that reminds me I'm alive. I have company at every turn. Offering spiritual friendship is all I want to do and it is all that has ever, ever worked to make my life look like anything at all resembling the word "good".

 

And those lists of names, and my unattainable desire to love them all in some direct, interpersonal, and intimate way that shows them what God is like, and what He thinks of them, and that He offers them the best possible way to live, and that it will last for eternity, and that it will never stop getting better...wow...I love it. I love that it is my desire, and I love that it is unattainable. I don't know why I love it, I just know that it is so.

 

And I live this way quite intentionally and crystal clear that I will get better and better at it, and will help others do the same, and that my longing to be in intimate community with every single person that I ever meet, because I love them so, will be satisfied...

 

...in Heaven.

 

As a matter of fact, that is my description of Heaven. Perfect loving relationship with God and everyone, and e everything, with an eternity to express it and enjoy it, and never exhausting how close and how much love we can feel and express...doubling it daily, maybe hourly, forever and ever. World without end. Amen.