It has been about year since I wrote down this prayer. I stumbled upon it last week and have had it sitting on my desk in front of me since. When I read it, it made me jealous to be in a place where I could write such words again. It's not that I'm in a "bad" place...just different...I trust God with when he wants me in and out of certain "places". But that doesn't keep me from liking some places more than others. And I like it when I'm full of a grace that inspires thoughts, desires, and prayers such as these.
I think I'm typing my scribble out, and sharing it with you, to see if it helps me "get there". But at the very least, I offer this prayer again sincerely, even if I need to rely on my "year ago self" to lead me in it.
You are who you are.
And who you are strikes me with fear. But I have no need or desire to back away, because this fear is the beginning of wisdom.
And who I am requires me to need wisdom.
That is also who you are. Your are my Father.
This is my favorite name for you, I admit, because it takes away the fear and replaces it with love.
Knowing you as love -- is this where wisdom leads?
Whoever you are, I do not presume to know you.
Nor do I presume to have life apart from knowing you.
Your greatness is beyond my capacity to embrace and your greatness is my life's pursuit.
With full realization that I am infinitely small when contrasted with your infinitely big nature, I appeal to your own greatness, your own love, and your own fame as your motive for making your church at Southwest great.
I am a failure at separating from myself my own motives and desire for greatness, love, and fame from this request, and so, lay these before you as well to do with as you please.
Give me a proper love of this church.
Give me the affection for it that Jesus has.
Use me in the restoration of people's hearts, in the healing of people's wounds ands sicknesses, in the feeding of the hungry, in the clothing of the poor, and bless me with tearful hurting that comes from a deep love for this world.
You so loved this world that you gave your son.
I dare not ask for such great and sacrificial love.
My love for my own sons forbids it, and I fear that you will answer, which scares me.
I'm stuck wanting your heart, and unable to grasp it.
Forgive my unbelief.
Have mercy on me.
Show me your glory.
I offer hesitantly to you my weakness, for it is what I have, and what you ask for.
Thank you for the immeasurable significance that I have simply because you said so.
With whatever leverage it gives me as a fully devoted follower of Christ, as a "chosen one" from among mankind, as a friend of your son Jesus, and a royal priest representing you to man and man to you, I bring it all to bear, turning it all in, and ask you to magnify yourself using this church.
In the happy name of Jesus Christ, and out of your great love for him, I pray.